• Note to opening text cards: Show, don’t tell. Some of it is totally pointless (say, Achilles’ disdain for Agamemnon) because we’ll see it about five minutes later.
  • There is a dog searching for its master. Spoiler: the dog is, hands down, the most likable character in the movie. Poor doggie.
  • This scene exists to prove that DEAD BODIES exist. Why they are there, I am not sure, since the armies have yet to start actually fighting.
  • And… walking. And more walking. While Sean Bean narrates… and thank God for that, because as pretentious as the narration is, it livens up the scene of two armies slowly toddling toward each other like they have collectively wet their pants.
  • "… how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved?" Well, if this movie is anything to go by, no they won’t. 
  • So they decide to pit the best man from each army against each other, and the king of Thessaly summons a wrestler. Agamemnon calls Achilles… and crickets chirp.
  • It turns out that Achilles is butt-naked in bed with two girls. And no, Brad Pitt nude is not particularly interesting to me. I mean, he’s impressive-looking in a clinical, technical way, but he leaves me cold as an ice block. Beefy is not my thing, blondes are not frequently my thing, and Brad Pitt is never my thing.
  • Anyway, Achilles whines that he doesn’t wanna get up and proves that he’s SUCH a rebel while also being a sexy stud. Ugh. You know, Achilles was bad enough when he was a brat; making him a brooding rebel just makes me want to plant my fist in his face.
  • And I’m honestly not sure if the filmmakers/Brad Pitt even realize that Achilles is probably the LEAST likable person in the Iliad. I mean, he’s a selfish brat in the Iliad, but he’s ALSO a glory-hog and a dbag in this one. Even Paris is a more likable person than he is, and Paris’ whole reason to be in the story is to run off with someone else’s wife because he thinks with his groin-brain. But at least he doesn’t actively get people killed because he’s sulking.
  • Even Shakespeare detested Achilles, and he had some pretty despicable characters in his plays.
  • Then the kid brings up that people think his mother is a goddess, and Achilles… doesn’t answer. Yay, spitting in the face of the much less nonsensical original story.
  • "That is why you will not be remembered." Yeah, but at least he’ll be liked, you massive toolbag.